1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
