I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
