Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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