You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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