im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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