I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
