woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
