Your face is a jimmy john
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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