When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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