Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My dick has a subreddit
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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