i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
