ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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