Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
