By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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