My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
