Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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