I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
