I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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