So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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