I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
