He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
