why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
