you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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