All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
