Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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