Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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