Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
