he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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