just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
