In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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