Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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