Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
