I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
