I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
