He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Everclear isn't food dammit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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