the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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