I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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