he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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