I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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