you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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