those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
