Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
His nipple licking is glorious
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