I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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