New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
