sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
