if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
