sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
