I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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