i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
