I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The Olympian is in my bed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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