i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
