You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
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omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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