If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
