You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
