Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
