She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
