i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
