fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
