before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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