I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
